May 30, 2001


I'm jaded today. I saw Bobby. I said good-bye to Erin, Katie, Heather, Joanna, Sean, everyone...and I am starting to realize how much I will miss everyone. It's all hitting me. And then, Matt. We broke up last night. And now things are just not the same, and they never fucking will be. But I just realized that it's okay if I am alone. I shouldn't be scared. I'm finally at a point in my life where I need and want to be on my own, and doing my own thing. I just can't be tied down...and I can't pretend to be feeling something that I'm not. I had myself fooled...I had everyone fooled. I need to be honest with myself and grow the fuck up. Today made me realize that I'm not a child anymore. It's like...yeah this is the end...but in reality it's only the beginning. I'm just ending a chapter in my life. And beginning a new one. I'm going to make something of myself. I'm going to do something with my life. And I'm going to prove to everyone that I can make it on my own.


***May 29, 2001***

Ooooh my god, the HFStival was so amazing. I loved every second of it. Even when we were looking for Joanna and freaking out. Okay...here's a recap of the weekend:


*****Friday, May 25, 2001*****

Picked up Sarah, drove to Fredneck, and picked up Matt. Went back to Matt's room and just chilled for the night, it was nice. Good to see him again.


*****Saturday, May 26, 2001*****

Went to Matt's room from like 10am to 10pm...just watched movies all day and chilled.


*****Sunday, May 27, 2001*****

Had people over at my house, Matt met the rents, then Sarah, Erin, Matt and I went out to KMart and had some fun, and then Erin went home and Sarah, Matt and I hung out and then Sarah went home and Matt went to his room.


*****Monday, May 28, 2001*****

HFSTIVAL!!! Oh my god! Okay Matt came at like 7:45am, and we drove to Erin's house and met up with her and Joanna. Then we took Erin's car to the metro station, and of all cars, we get on the same Metro car as Damian. I was like, "Oooooh goody" so then we got off and entered...the festival. The first band to play was the Little Kings and I had never heard of them and neither had Joanna or Erin. Well it was a bunch of midgets dude. Or as they say, "little people" but it was so awesome. We got up to the front in the fucking middle of the mosh pit...ouch! But it was so awesome. We finally got lifted out by security gaurds and lost Matt for like an hour. Got a Lifehouse T-shirt and then some dude asked me and Joanna if we liked Staind (hell yeah!!) and he gave each of us a Staind T-shirt. Yay! So then we watched the other bands...Coldplay was amazing, Lifehouse was amazing, Fuel was amazing...I met one of the dudes from Linkin Park. And the only thing that could come out of my mouth was, "I see him on TV!!" He is a hottie!!! Then we saw Chris from Stabbing Westward and we saw them perform. I think Erin was on cloud fucking nine. She crowd surfed...it was so cute. LOL. We made friends with one of the backstage crew. His name was Phil. He was cute but kind of an ass. After awhile he stopped doing favors for us. Joanna was stalking him lol. All in all...I think the night ended perfectly with Staind's performance. It was a beautiful thing. I think we had the best seats, we were up in the chairs or whatever, and you could see the whole crowd. I didn't wanna be in the pit during Staind. Hell no! But it was awesome. I went home and slept like a baby. :-D I loved every fucking second of it and I am SOOO coming back next year!!


5.22.01

i finished up my school shit today. i have to type out my drug paper tho...but that's it. man...and then 2 days until matt gets here. yay. i am so excited. i can't wait to see him. and i can't wait to go to hfstival. everything is so happy right now. even tho the weather completely sucked today. oh well. i think tomorrow if i am wired enough, i will update the whole damn site. i wanna add some new songs that i'm listening to and just add a new section in...i think. we will see. so far i am just trying to get through one day at a time. the further away the stupid things i've done are...the better. it makes me forget. well..............that's it for now.


5.20.01


I finished my Ecology essay today on estuaries and the Chesapeake Bay. Woo-hoo, how fun is that?? Now I have to do my drug paper, which Steve helped me get a kick start on it, thanks bud. Also...my Structure class. But that'll be so easy to finish. I was hoping to be done on Tues, but I think I'll need Weds. too. Oh well.......Matt comes on Friday! I'm so excited to see him. It's so sad though...we're being forced apart, and every day it seems like we connect a little bit more. We...fit together. You know? I'm going to miss him like crazy. But you know, if we make it through a year, I mean, anything could happen. It's crazy. But it's true. Wow. I always had that running through my head, but typing it so I can look at it, is different. And I am rambling and not making sense. Well I don't care! It's my damn site, so I can do whatever I want. Oh yeah it's all gray and yucky today. But for some reason, I'm glad that it is. I hope we get this HUGE thunderstorm...that would be nice. Okay! I'm going to go do some more homework. Later people.

5.19.01

Graduation, moving, HFStival, Matt, everything!!! It's all coming! Everything is coming to a close. I can't believe it. I took all my posters and pictures off my walls yesterday, and gradually started packing things up. I can't believe this is really happening. Florida. I can't wait, but I also don't want to leave. I'll be leaving a place where I grew up. Yeah, I was here three years, but this is where I got my shit together. Where I grew up. I had so many "firsts" here. And...I don't know, I have my best friend Erin, who I love very much. And then there's Matt. I just don't know what will happen. I'm scared, but I also can't wait to see what the future will bring


5.16.01

well for some reason i'm not stressing over next weekend. the folks are making it very difficult for me to do anything. my mother wants me home every night, okay fine. but then she says she wants me home after HFStival. okay we won't get back until like 2 or 3, and then i am expected to drive in the middle of the night? give me break. anyways....things have been confusing over the past two days. just...confusing. that's the only word that i can think of. i don't know what's going to happen. you know? man......i guess just focus on school right now.


may 14, 2001

exactly two weeks until hfstival folks! yay! so today rachel and mike came by, and all i have to do is an ecology essay and my mythology project, and then call up rachel and she'll come get them. and then i have that drug paper with mike and that'll seal the deal. in DLL, all i have left to do is my structure of writing class, and i'm already halfway through it. so i'm not too worried. i just have to buckle down. so today...i had a dr's appt. at 6, my last one, and my dad came along, and i just wanted to go by myself. i don't know why, i just really didn't want to be in a car with dad for a half hour. you know? of course, now it all makes sense. we get in the car, and dad is on his cell talking to a client and he asks me to write down a phone number. i reach down and grab a piece of paper and a pen. i write down the number, and then a few seconds later i realize that i got red ink all over my fingers. his red pen had exploded. so i got pissed and he just told me to chill. then a few minutes later, we were at a stoplight and he turns to me to ask me something, and starts busting out laughing. i was like, "what??" and he pulls down my mirror and i see that i have this big streak of red ink across my left eyebrow. damn. crazy isn't it. why am i NOT surprised. stuff like that is always happening. so then i got more angry at him for laughing and he made it up to me by stopping to get wetnaps so i could clean the fucking ink off my head. stupid ink. figures


may 13, 2001

happy mommy's day. you know, i truly am starting to believe that it is virtually impossible for my entire family to spend the day together and not bitch and quarrel. today, my mom wanted to go shopping for the new house, and she wanted EVERYONE to go. why the hell? i don't know. we went out to lunch, and then we went into the mall and started looking at bedroom stuff for liz and anna. liz and anna are getting brand new room shit. and i just didn't really care. and then i asked casually to my dad, "which bed do i get?" and he says, "you're taking our bed." uh fuck no! my parents' bed sucks. it looks like some midevil (i know i spelled that wrong, fuck you) torture chamber. well it's just fucking huge. they have a queen size bed. i don't need a queen. i just want a double. plus, it's traditional. meaning i'll have to decorate my room to go with the fucking bed. yuck that's so fucking ridiculous. and as if matters couldn't get worse...i remembered that whenever we have company, i have to crash on the couch b/c my room will be used as the guest bedroom. so i have virtually no fucking say in what goes in my bedroom. well FUCK THAT. i will. i don't know why they feel the need to treat me like shit. sometimes i don't even regret putting them through pure hell, you know? god how spoiled am i. you'd think venting would make me feel better but now i'm pissed off all over again. that sucks. damnit. ahhhh!!!! the only really cool thing that happened today was that erin got her pics back and put some of them up and she'll put more up tomorrow or later tonight. so i guess that is cool. but still man! god...how much longer until matt gets here? i need him to comfort me.


May 12, 2001

I had quite a scare last night. I thought I almost lost someone really important to me. But I think everything will be okay. Have you ever had such a strong love for someone...that you just know your life will be changed dramatically because of them? That is how I feel. My life will change, and I will change, and it will be all because of him. He is making me a better person, and I don't know if I could find anyone better. He completes me. (I know, I know, no cheesy Jerry Maguire bullshit...but how else can you describe it?) There is not way to describe what he does for me. I know I sound whipped...and if I am, fuck it, because I don't care anymore. This is a very good thing. He is a good thing.


5.09.01

well today i got through 5 submissions in structure of writing. yay everyone give alyssa a big hand. lets see...i came home, smoked the last of my cigarettes...and i have decided to try and not buy a pack for like a week. damnit, i know i'll smoke tomorrow. i am hanging out with tiffany. it is INEVITABLE!!! but i really do want to make an effort to quit smoking. matt is trying to put his "habit" on hold for awhile, and i'm holding him to that, and he's told me how he feels about me smoking. i should try, for his sake. but man...i know i'm going to smoke at hfstival. i mean, come on, everyone smokes at concerts. it's like a rule. isn't it? well matt called today and we got to talk for a little while. he's so fucking great. apparently my mom picked up the phone towards the end of our conversation and heard matt say, "i love you babe" and me say, "i love you too" and when i hung up and started to walk downstairs my mom yelled, "I LOVE YOU BABE!!!" i was like, oh good lord. the secret is out. now mom will be lecturing me saying, "you don't love him, you don't know what that is..." yeah mom, and yet you loved my father at 16. lol whatever. she's just looking out for me. i'm waiting for the whole, "you're so young, you need to be single and expirience what it's like" lecture. been there, done that. i am not letting go of this one mom. sorry. he's a keeper.

5.08.01

i think i talked to matt today more than i talked to anyone else. we were on the phone for like 3 hours. crazy. and i didn't wanna hang up. i never do though. i just can't get enough of him. is that insane? probably. and we didn't say our traditional "i love you" before we hung up so i called him right back, just to tell him. as matt says, we are absolutely nauseating. oh well. i'd rather be nauseating than be jealous of someone else who is. you know? i miss him so much. i get so distracted daydreaming about him. i wish i had an on/off button for him, lol. oh well. i love him to death. he's so fuckin cute. i won't get into detail, i'm sure you all are throwing up now. :) sorry!


5.07.01

happy anniversary sexy deli boy :) sorry it's been such a long time since i've updated. i've had a lot of free time, but i haven't had the energy/motivation to do anything. but hey, i got pics from prom today and i posted them up so there ya go. i'll try really hard tonight to update every single section. i need to post up some new songs, update a few areas, and then i need to delete a section or two. anywho...ummmm....i don't really know what to say. today has been pretty laid back. i think it's finally starting to kick in that i'm moving. eep! it's just crazy folks. just crazy. well prom was fun. we spent a hell of a lot of time in line for pictures though. it was ridiculous. we danced, we laughed, we took gay pictures, so i think all in all we did exactly as we were supposed to do. then we headed over to champions to play pool afterwards (i wanted to go bowling damnit!!!) and everyone had to have some sort of I.D. and not everyone did so we ended up at...you guessed it, Denny's. well...erin came back home with me and spent the night. *sigh* the last time erin will spend the night at my house. at least i think so. maybe we can have her come over one more time :) i am gonna miss you dumbass!!! that reminds me...i should ask her what the name of that kick ass smashing pumpkins song was that i heard on the radio today. it was different.

5.02.01

today i went to DLL and got a lot of work done. and then came home and took the second 1/2 of the maryland writing test. and i'm flying man. well in certain subjects, lol. bad news for anna m. yesterday was supposed to be her last day of DLL b/c she finished up her last class. then bob fucking thacker tells her he forgot that she needs another class. god that mother fucker needs to be shot. he's such a fuckhead. he sits on his old fat ass all day and it's his fault that i'm busting my ass right now. i sat on my ass for 2 months waiting for him to get my schooling lined up. it's ridiculous. i seriously hope that man gets fired. asshole. it makes me so angry to just even think about it. AAHHHH!! bob thacker deserves to have his penis cut off and served to him for breakfast


5.01.01

happy may day. today it was very hot. like in the 80s. i didn't do too much. in dll i got a lot of work done though. yay for me! hmmm...i talked to matt for a little while, but i think we talked ourselves out the past couple of days. he was also very tired. he got his face sunburnt today. ouch. aloe vera, sweetie. so right now it is 11:20 and i am waiting for my mom to get home. it'll probably be another 20 minutes or so. they closed on the house today. so it's ours now. yay. i can't wait for hfstival and i can't wait to see matt. prom is this friday. that'll be fun. at least that is the general idea. who knows. it'll be fun b/c i'll be wearing my purdy pink dress. yay! well i guess i have decided to copy joanna a little bit on the daily insight thing, but i'm sure it's cool with her. considering, erin, jessica, joanna and i rip off each other's ideas all the time. so whatever man. i did it.